What Jedi Masters Do In Their Free Time
by Princess of Ithilien
Summary: A hilarious account answering all your questions of exactly WHAT Jedi Masters do in their free time. R&R! COMPLETED
1. Yoda

A/N: I really don't know what this is about, I just felt like writing something Star Wars, so this is a little spontaneous thing of mine that is just here 'cause I don't feel like updating my other fics. I think I'm just going to make a ficlet, with one chapter that is basically just a splurge of insanity. Okay?

What Jedi Masters Do In Their Free Time

Master Yoda was not on Coruscant, not in the company of the Jedi Council, and not acting like himself. He stood in his kitchen, fumbling with the apron he was trying to tie on. It was too long, of course, so when he tried to take a step, he tripped over it and fell most un-Jedi-Master-like on the floor. Picking himself up, he took off the apron, muttering. "Gone to the Dark Side, this apron has." He threw it as far as he possibly could with his short little arms and went about his business. Taking flour, sugar, and other ingredients down from the cupboards, he chose a large, yellow-colored bowl and set it on his little table.

Master Yoda was making chocolate chip cookies. Trying hard to follow the recipe, he failed miserably and put double the amount of flour in. By the same token, he didn't put enough water in, so while he was trying to mix it, the water had barely soaked the flour. He then added sugar, six eggs and some baking oil. He wasn't following the recipe at all, but he was sure he was. "The Force guides us, surrounds us, helps us with our baking, it does." He said to no one in particular. He finally added a bag that was half empty, of chocolate chips to the cookie dough. After stirring this in, he looked at the bowl. Inside it was a lump of very dry flower, six eggs crushed, with bits of shell everywhere, a glob of oil off to the side, and a few brave chocolate chips poking their heads out.

"Good, this looks." He said with a little laugh. Preheating his oven, he began rolling the mixture into little balls. Filling one tray of them, he began on another, and continued doing this until the oven beeped, telling him it was ready for the 'cookies.' He went to wash off his hands because there was cookie dough all over them. But, instead of reaching for the soap, he reached for the vegetable oil bottle, and washed his hands with that. Before putting the trays in the oven, he sniffed his hands and stated, "Strange, this new soap smells." But shrugged it off and put the cookies in the oven, setting the little timer for 10 minutes. There was still some dough left, so he rolled one huge ball and put it on a cookie sheet, declaring, "The biggest cookie in the galaxy, I will make."

Soon the timer beeped, signaling the cookies were done. Putting on oven gloves with little hearts on them, he opened the oven and took out the trays, setting them out to cool. Most of them looked disgusting, dry and flat, the oil that had never been mixed in sitting in a pile on top. Little bits of eggshell stuck out here and there, and you could barely see the chocolate chips. But Yoda didn't notice. Taking the 'biggest cookie in the galaxy', Yoda struggled to get it in the oven, since the cookie seemed bigger than the oven mouth was. But he managed to get it in and set the timer for 20 minutes.

He waited a few minutes, then went and got a spatula and began putting the cookies, which actually smelled kind of good, on a plate. Again, the timer went off, and Yoda, unsuspecting and innocent, went and opened the oven door. An explosion sent him flying backwards with cookie dough coating his head and upper body. The cookie had been too big for the oven, which was very, very small. The small Jedi Master sighed and said, "Not for me, baking is. Learn, perhaps, to knit, will I."

A/N: I hope you liked it. This was just an idea I had and I was bored, so, yeah.


	2. Knitting

Second chapter is here! Or second short story, since this isn't a chapter story.

What Jedi Masters Do In Their Free Time

Master Yoda, the little, green Jedi Master with large ears and an understanding look, sat on a small pink chair, muttering ridiculous not to mention unintelligible things to himself as he fumbled with a ball of yarn. Off to the side, two knitting needles sat, neon green in color with bright purple polka dots. These had been the only ones the green Jedi Master had been able to find at Walmart.

His odd, rather high-pitched laugh rang out across the barren room, echoing off the walls. Once he heard his echo, Yoda looked up. "Oh, mocking me, someone is, hmm?" With this, he flung the yarn aside, grabbed up a knitting needle, and held it over his shoulder in a ready stance, as one would hold a lightsaber. He laughed again and the echo reached his large ears once more. Seeing and feeling no one there, he cautiously put down the knitting needle and repositioned himself.

While untangling yarn, all he thought about was his lessons that day. 'Now take the needle up this way and hook the yarn like this...' Or something like that. Today, Yoda had taken knitting classes. He was planning on knitting a special pillow to put his lightsaber on during the night.

He finally untangled the ball of yarn, which was multicolored. Neon-multicolored. Darn Walmart. Yoda picked up his knitting needles and tried to position them in his hands. He failed several times, the ugly needles clinking together as they hit the ground. "Frustrating, these needles are!" He exclaimed. Finally, he had an idea of what to do. Rummaging in a drawer, he held up something, giving an off laugh again.

The something was duct tape. And the thing he had on his mind was to duct tape the knitting needles to his hands. He did this, and his hands were no longer green. They were silverish-gray. He began to knit, doing it right at first, then creating his own, unique way to a yarny, heavenly pillow for his beloved lightsaber. Soon all he was doing was progessing slowly, twisting the yarn into a chasm of bright colors and horrid knots.

Eventually, after several hours of work filled with frustration, laughs, and even a few tears, the Jedi Master had knitted a pillow case. He was about to move to stuff it when he remembered his hands had tape all over them. Then Yoda made a big mistake. At first, it didn't hurt, since it wasn't directly touching his skin. And then he got to the first layer. Yup, Master Yoda was pulling the tape off. Not that he should've put it on in the first place. And he screamed. Not a laugh/scream, but a full-blown, loud, racous scream. Luckily, there was no one around to hear it, but it echoed back to him and hit him full-force.

However, he did get the tape off. Painfully, but he got it off nonetheless. And he stuffed the knitted-wrongly pillowcase with cotton. The cotton poked out everywhere since knitted things have holes and are not opague. It was dark, nearly midnight. Setting his lovely green lightsaber on the pillow, he climbed into his bed and went to sleep.


	3. Miss HappyHappy

A/N: I have not really updated ANYTHING for quite a while, two days at least, which is a long time for me. :)

Yoda was having quite a time trying to get through the large glass doors. The building was made of stone, or brick or something. Yoda looked up, seemingly an ant among the humans that buzzed around him, busy with buying presents and decorations, candy and food for the holidays. "Help me, will someone?" He cried out helplessly. Finally, frustrated and annoyed, he used a great Force-push to slide the doors apart.

Waddling in, he looked around. Up and around, actually, since the short Jedi Master could only see people's knees at his height. And ugly knees they were. Lowering his gaze, he looked around him. Before him lay the deep crevaces and niches filled with holiday colors, green and red, everywhere, people were scattered. The loud murmer of voices rang in his large ears as the green Master looked around.

Walmart. Yoda had been here before, when he was buying knitting supplies. Nobody had payed any attention to him. As he looked back on it, there hadn't been anyone there, the lights were out, and he didn't have to check out. He left some Republic credits, however, and he was sure someone had found them by now.

Yoda looked around some more before walking off to get a cart. He needed a lot of things. He saw the rows of carts up ahead, gleaming silver in the light of the glorious Walmart. He pulled a cart along behind him with the Force, walking along as if it were perfectly normal for a short, wrinkled green man in Jedi robes with a lightsaber at his side and extremely large ears, not to mention an abnormal laugh to be walking through Walmart, pulling a cart behind him with, seemingly, invisible string. As he went down the aisle with candy and holiday treats on them, many people stopped and stared. A Walmart employee came up to him and squatted down as if he were a child.

"Well, hi there, little fella!" The statement was over-enthustiastic and way too cheery. "How can I help you?" The smile pasted on her face made Yoda feel like emptying the contents of his stomach. "No help, I need." He muttered before trying to go past her. She blocked his path. More smiles and cheery sounds that disgusted the Jedi Master. "Are ya an elf?" Her eyes were shining, twinkling, and wide. "No elf, am I!" Yoda was insulted and just wanted to get his shopping done.

"Are you from the North Pole?" She whispered, as if it was a secret. Though she had lowered her voice considerably, it still held the overly-cheeriness of a clown, and the too-white and too-wide smile was still pasted on her lips. "Do you work for Santa Claus?" Now she looked like an eager child waiting for a candy cane. Yoda looked at her with pity. Must've been dropped as a child. Serious head injuries come from being dropped. He shook his head and held out a hand, meaning to lift her in the air with the power of the Force, and, hopefully, fling her to where her cheeriness and sickening smiles would never bother anyone again.

However, she took this to mean that he wanted something. Treating him like a child more still, she stood up, patted him on the head, put a candy cane in his hand, patted his head again, and twirled on her heel, completely turning around, her blond hair bouncing as she skipped off to bother more people.

"Sad and disturbing, this is." Yoda said, dropping the candy cane. He sliced and diced it with his lightsaber in a quick motion, leaving a smoldering pile of reddish-white gunk.

And he finished his shopping, paid, left, and was never seen at Walmart again. For good reasons, too. Afraid of running into Miss Happy-Happy as she became known as, Yoda stopped going to Walmart and decided to go to Target instead.


	4. Flowers, Tears, and Kleenex

A/N: Here is my newest addition to my 'What Jedi Masters Do In Their Free Time' fic. So Sacall, it is here, even though you are sitting to my right and watching me type this.

Disclaimer: Sorry for forgetting these, but let's put it simple: Star Wars ain't mine!

Mace Windu entered his home, sighing contentedly. Proceeding to that special room, he opened the door and smiled. The Flower Room. Every time he had free time, this is where the Jedi Master went. The array of flowers was beautiful, and a lone tear made its way down Mace Windu's smooth face.

Reds, oranges, pinks, purples, yellows and blues of all shades decorated the room with contrast in color. "I'm here, guys." Mace Windu said, greeting his flowers. They made no sound in response, just sitting there, seeming to stare at him as he walked through the rows, naming off each flower.

All of them were from other planets, though the majority of them came from Naboo. Lipoders, nimpresews, and other exotic flowers were a welcome sight for the flower-sick Jedi Master.

Picking up the special pair of cutting scissors, he went about cutting flowers to put in a vase.

Mace Windu loved flower arranging. It was his life, other then being a Jedi. Cutting some pinks, reds, and purples, setting them down with reverence before going to retrieve the vase he had bought a few days before.

He came back, the bright orange colored vase in hand. After filling it with water, he set it down near the flowers and seated himself, ready to start.

First he lined the outside of the wide vase with the red flowers, all the while keeping his silence as he worked on his hobby. Finishing the first part, he proceeded to put the pink flowers inside the red ones.

And then came the purple ones. It was rather a lavender shade and went well with the pink. Though it looked fine with the red as well, the experienced flower-arranger knew that without the pink barrier, it would look horrid.

Putting them in the vase, he started fluffing the flower petals, smiling as he worked. Then he frowned. He took a few steps back and looked at it. While the flower colors blended well together, the bright orange vase contrasted too sharply.

Shaking his head at his foolishness, he went to get the pink and red swirled vase he had bought about two months ago.

Then he started all over. Taking all the flowers out, he cleaned the orange vase and set it back on the shelf. Then he filled the pink and red swirled vase with fresh water. After doing this, he went about re-arranging the flowers he had perfectly arranged an hour before.

And then, disaster! One of the flowers stem snapped in half, and Mace Windu screamed. And it was a very girly scream. His hands went to his face as he watched in horror, the petals flying, the stem falling to the ground in a wet 'splat' sound!

He kneeled and picked it up with tears streaming down his face. "I have failed!" He cried, setting the broken flower, both pieces, on a white silk pillow with lace lining it.

He picked up the scissors and went to cut another purple flower. "Never shall I find one such as perfect as that." He said, still crying uncontrollably.

He got over it, though it took about 3 boxes of Kleenex's until he stopped crying.

But his flowers were arranged, and they sat, beautiful, on his kitchen table as he cleared all the used tissues from the ground.


	5. Field Trip

Disclaimer: Star Wars is NOT mine, though I wish it was. For a list of other things that I wish I owned, see my bio.

A/N: Another day...another chapter...Well, I admit it took me a while to decide which story to update. I decided on this one since I have not done another chapter in QUITE a while, and I am very bored, so if it does not come out funny, I apologize.

Well, it was a strange thing, to be sure. Padawans and the Jedi Council, together, walking down the street.

It was one Padawan's idea that had started this whole thing. Sarian Uldae was a clever Padawan, smart and quick to catch on. She also had ideas-some good and some bad, mind you-but this was one of the better ideas, or so her comrades had said.

It was the Jedi Council's first field trip. After hours of begging, pleading, even getting on their knees and whining, agreeing to do extra training and work, the Padawans had convinced the Jedi Council to agree.

They had told them where they would go was to be a surprise, so the Jedi Council had no idea. "Not smart, this is." Master Yoda said, hobblying along with his cane.

Once again, the Jedi Council had gone against the council of Master Yoda. Several times before-and keeping in mind that this is during the time of young Anakin Skywalker-they had done this unwise thing, and here they were, doing it again.

What the older Jedi did not know was that the Padawans were taking them to a pet store. For some absolutely unknown reason, perhaps with the exception of the Padawans having inhaled too much oxygen and gone wacko, they were going to the pet store.

(A/N: Here I interrupt for some absolutely unknown reason, perhaps with the exception of me having inhaled too much oxygen and gone wacko, to tell you that the new puppy we got today is being tormented by my cat, though at present the puppy is sleeping while my cat is trying to, for some absolutely unknown reason, perhaps with the exception of the cat having inhaled too much oxygen and gone wacko, open the kennel with his teeth. Oh, back to the story.)

Unfortunately for the Jedi Council, most of them did not have much experience with animals, which perhaps is the reason-with of course the exception of them having inhaled too much oxygen and gone wacko- that the Padawans had chosen this site for the field trip.

Yoda had experience with baking, knitting, and dealing with insane, psychotic girls that for some reason have a job at a place where you can encounter small children and scare the living daylights out of them, and Mace had experience with flowers, and even Yaddle had experience with pink colors, butterflies, pink and purple bunnies and ponies, and, of course, makeup,(see Widen Your Horizons if you do not know what I am talking about)but none of them had much to do with animals. Their jobs were more important.

Soon they arrived, and with several rings of those annoying bells attatched to the top of the door that serve no purpose but to annoy you and make you go insane from the constant ringing, the Jedi Council filed inside, looking about nervously.

On their left, what they first saw was a small section filled with chains, collars, and leashes for dogs of all sizes, along with some odds and ends.

Then the rest of the wall was lined with see-through cages, were puppies of all breeds and sizes were kept. Several of them were sleeping, some were playing, and a few were just sitting there, looking forlorn and lonely.

Then, in that corner, there were some small cages, with a few kittens inside. All of them were sleeping or eating. Then followed mice and rats, some tiny birds, and then the entire back right side was dedicated to reptiles.

On their immediate right, there were shelves upon shelves of supples, toys, and even medications for dogs and cats and gerbils and other rodents, not to mention reptile things.

Then, directly in front of them was the register, and scattered about on their left were cages set up in the middle of nowhere, like an island, with gerbils, rabbits, and birds. Your average pet store.

"Here again, why are we?" Yoda inquired, looking around. "To learn about animals, Master Yoda." One of the Padawans reminded him. The rest of the Jedi Council looked either sternly or uncertainly around him or her.

"Why hello! What an honor it is to see you here today! I am Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz, and how may I help you?"

The way-too-cheery-and-joyful person at the cashier greeted with a huge smile. It reminded Yoda painfully of Walmart and Miss HappyHappy.

"And I am Zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba! I am the assistant manager. Are we looking for anything special today?"

Another happy-looking person with a huge, fake smile pasted on their face came up to them. Yoda was about to throw up.

"We are teaching the Jedi Council about animals. We need no help." Sarian stated.

Three and a half painful hours later, the Jedi Council filed back out the door, the annoying, stupid bell ringing in their ears and causing their headaches to turn to migraines.

Though they had said they did not need help, Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz and Zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba had insisted on helping them, and had told them the names of each animal, incorrectly of course.

They had called a beagle a chihuahua, a golden retriever a mastiff, a rabbit a cockatoo, a mouse a gerbil, a frog a goldfish, and other un-nameable mistakes that only the stupidest person on earth could make.

"We, at least, learned how not to lable animals today." Mace Windu stated as soon as the Jedi Council was alone again.

"Next time we will go to McDonalds, perhaps." Eeth Koth replied.

And that is how the first field trip in Jedi Council history occured.

A/N: That pet store was described after a pet store in my area, and no, I don't own that either. I hope you liked it!


	6. The Fight

A/N: Yeah, I know its been a while since I wrote a new chapter on this, but it took forever for me to get another idea..

Disclaimer: Blablablah, Star Wars isn't mine, which everybody knows. If it was, I would be boasting about it, but nobody would believe me, and I'm not George Lucas, because I don't have a beard. Kay?

The Fight

Mace Windu looked mockingly down at his superior, Yoda. He had recently been ill and now was on the verge of insanity. He had just called Yoda a two faced little green man and had broken into Weird Al Yankovic's song 'Yoda'.

Well, I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah

Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda

S-O-D-A soda...

I saw the little runt sitting there on a log

I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said 'Yoda'

Y-O-D-A Yoda...

And so on. This bugged Yoda, being called a little runt. At first, like the good Jedi he was, he had controlled his anger, until Mace had taken his lightsaber, which was the only prized possession the little green Council member owned.

Now Mace held it above his head, and Yoda was feebly trying to reach it. For some reason, he could not grasp it with the Force, so he started jumping up and down, trying to get it.

"Pay for this, you will, Master MACEY..." Yoda said, bringing Mace Windu's dreaded nickname into this. "How DARE you!" Mace screamed, and started running away, screaming "YODI-POO!" over and over. That was Yoda's nickname. One he hated with a fierce passion that even the light side of the Force could not dissuade.

He started hobbling after him, leaning on his stick, screaming, "Macey, Macey!" At the top of his lungs.

Eventually, Master Macey had to stop and catch his breath. And Yoda started running with those short little legs, faster than Mace could ever have dreamed possible. So Mace screamed, a girly scream like when his flower died, and jumped up with the Force.

Yoda was right up there in the air with him, calling him 'Macey' and demanding his lightsaber. When Mace refused to give it to him(the Force was working for Yoda now) Yoda pulled Mace's precious purple lightsaber from his belt. Now he had a bargaining chip.

"Wait, just a minute, Master Yoda," Mace said, finally showing the respect Yoda deserved. They both fell to the ground, and Mace held out Yoda's lightsaber. "I apologize." Yoda took his lightsaber, then took off running, Macey's lightsaber still in hand.

_What will happen next? Will Master Macey get his lightsaber back, or will Yodi-Poo conquer all? Tune in next time for part two of 'The Fight'._


	7. The Fight, Part 2

A/N: Yeah, I know its been a while since I wrote a new chapter on this, but it took forever for me to get another idea..

Disclaimer: If Star Wars were mine I'd be REALLY busy with the post production of Episode III.

The Fight-Part 2

Running after him, Mace started screaming, again. Turning a corner, he ran into a room of mirrors.

He hated those things. Macey had only been in one once, a few years ago when he went to the fair, but he hated them nonetheless. Forgetting to use the Force to locate Yoda, he went charging into one of the mirrors, where Yoda's image could be seen.

_Smack!_ Mace's bald head hit the glass mirror with a loud sound. "Ow! Ow! Ow!" Macey screamed, holding his head.

Yoda's laugh could be heard in the background, that annoying, mocking laugh that few people could tolerate. Mace Windu was NOT one of the people who could tolerate it.

"I'm going to get you, you little green...DWARF!" He screamed. Yoda, as we all should know, hates being called a dwarf.

"Not a dwarf, I am!" He said, stepping out into the open. Or so Mace thought. He charged again, and-

_Splat! Smack!_ Soon he went crazy, just going in circles, running into mirrors everywhere he went. When Yoda was sure he was going to suffer brain damage if he kept running into the mirrors(most of which, were, by now, cracked) he held Mace still with the power of the Force.

"Apology?" Yoda asked, tilting his little green head. Mace was thinking, _I already apologized!_ but he apologized again. "I'm sorry, Master."

"Lightsaber?" Yoda asked, holding out Mace's precious weapon. "Yes, Master." He took it and clipped it onto his belt, holding his bruised head.

"Now we shall go and have some tea." Yoda commanded, leading the way out of the death trap of mirrors.

"Tea? We never drink tea?" Mace said, accidentally voicing his thoughts. "A new recipe, I have."

Mace groaned. Not more cooking.

A.N: And there it is, probably my most random chapter ever, I was extremely bored so I figured I'd just be random. Hope this makes you laugh!


	8. The Hair and the Teeth

A/N: What the hey. I'm bored, I feel like writing...Now, who shall I torture in THIS chapter...evil grin

Disclaimer: While George Lucas comes NO WHERE NEAR the genius of Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, he is still a wonderful man and he made a wonderful little world, not only that but I get to go to Star Wars, Episode III, Return of the Sith OPENING DAY! WHOOT! GO ME! Oh yeah, I don't own Star Wars...

Obi-Wan groaned as he saw his Padawan walking-rather, strutting, in fact- towards him. It wasn't the smug smile on Anakin's face, nor the way he was making strange noises.

It was his hair. His hair. His hair. His hair his hair his hair.

Obi-Wan's left eye began twitching violently. Not only had Anaking cut off his Padawan's braid(HE CAN'T DO THAT!) he had shaved the sides of his head so he now had a mohawk.

A SPIKED mohawk, no less. It was also died lime green, hot pink, and neon orange and yellow.

"ANAKIN!" Obi-Wan cried, beckoning for his once-sane(or so he thought) student to come over to him.

"Yes Master?" Anakin asked with a smile. Though Obi-Wan had not noticed it before, his Padawan had also stained his teeth a strange blue...

Though he suspected the young Jedi was just insecure about his appearance, Obi-Wan Kenobi was still shocked. And apalled. Surprised, indeed.

"Why?" He asked, his voice a high squeak as he tried to remain calm. "Well, Master, I wanted to be different. Everyone else is so...dull. Especially Yoda." This last statement, one of utter disrespect, was more than Obi-Wan could take.

Why, Anakin looked worse than Jar Jar Binks, who had recently decided to get a toupee.(One that was black with a white stripe, he looked like a skunk)

"Anakin. Go and wash your hair IMMEDIATELY, shampoo it until it is the normal color, then shave the rest of it off so it can grow back all even. Also, go and get your teeth bleached, and I don't want to see you again until you do." Obi-Wan's voice was stern and commanding. Anakin hung his head and went off to sulk and wash his hair.

A/N: Gah, this was boring. Extremely lame, even for me. :( Sorry.


	9. Fare Thee Well, Fans of Mine!

Well, the saga has ended. What Jedi Masters Do In Their Free Time has come to an end. I'd like to thank each and every one of my reviewers, and I'm really glad you read this and enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I've run out of ideas for this, so I am ending it. Who knows, some day you might see 'What Jedi Masters Do In Their Free Time: Part 2' but probably not anytime soon. Again, thanks so much for all the good reviews.

Dashing Daylight


End file.
